


A Memory of Skin

by boopersnatchural



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Americana, Angels, Castiel and Molecules, Dean Has Nightmares, Diners, Fluff, Hamburgers, Humanity, M/M, Memory, Nightmares, Twine, a touch of angst perhaps, what the boys do on their off days, world's biggest ball of twine
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-09-07
Updated: 2014-09-10
Packaged: 2018-02-16 10:43:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2266755
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/boopersnatchural/pseuds/boopersnatchural
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The memories they kept were not the big ones; not the epic tales of fighting and loss and redemption. It was that time in the motel that Dean got a papercut while sealing up another credit card application. He had cursed and whimpered. Castiel did not understand how something so small could feel so big, especially to someone that had been wounded far more than this. He had healed it nonetheless. It was the time on a case that Cas accidentally turned on a shelf of vibrators, and Dean could not stop laughing. The way Cas had asked the shopgirl what they were for, and how he looked when she explained. Dean could not understand how someone so old could be so fascinated by something so new, especially to someone who must have seen so much.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A Memory of Skin

Castiel kept his memories with Dean in his skin, where he could keep them safe beneath the trenchcoat. He could not keep them in his Grace. Grace connected the angels; linking them thoroughly. Putting Dean there was risky. Castiel did not want to lose his family, and he did not want to share. Only Balthazar knew from a causal touch when Cas’s armor was off. Castiel had worried if Balthazar could keep his secret.

Dean kept his memories with Cas in his skin, where they were safe. The people he kept in his mind always ended up the victims of his story. In his skin, Cas was protected. Safe from Dean. In his skin, Dean was safe from thinking about why kept those memories of Cas. Dean wondered if Sam could see Cas written all over his body.

The memories they kept were not the big ones; not the epic tales of fighting and loss and redemption. It was that time in the motel that Dean got a papercut while sealing up another credit card application. He had cursed and whimpered. Castiel did not understand how something so small could feel so big, especially to someone that had been wounded far more than this. He had healed it nonetheless. It was the time on a case that Cas accidentally turned on a shelf of vibrators, and Dean could not stop laughing. The way Cas had asked the shopgirl what they were for, and how he looked when she explained. Dean could not understand how someone so old could be so fascinated by something so new, especially to someone who must have seen so much.


	2. Above the Wrist

Castiel’s favorite memory lives in his left forearm, just above the wrist. He was riding in the Impala with Dean and Sam, Dean’s music playing just a little too loud. The seals to release Lucifer were breaking too fast, and the brothers were rushing to get somewhere, anywhere, just to feel like they were doing something. Castiel was not sure why he wanted to be there; he had plenty of other things to do to prevent his brother from getting out of hell, but he sat watching the landscape melt past the Impala’s windows. 

Without warning, Dean made a hard right onto a dirt road, slamming Castiel into the door. “Sorry, Cas, man. Sam, do you know where we are?” Sam took a moment to look around before his eyes lit up. “YES!” The dirt road stretched on, curving in a few places before dead ending into a stream guarded by proud, ancient trees. 

Sam and Dean jumped out, whooping and running and stripping down. They leaped into the water, which swallowed them whole, and came up screaming again about the water being cold. It was October; Castiel did not understand their surprise. He got out of the car and walked to the edge. 

Dean yelled “Cas, c’mon, jump in!” 

“I’m in my clothes.” 

“Well, take them off.” 

Sam had climbed out and ran over to one of the bigger trees. 

“Shit! Dean! It’s still here!” 

“No way!” And now Dean was climbing out too. As he passed the angel, “Cas, lighten up. Let’s have some fun.” 

Sam climbed up the tree and released something stuck in the branches. A long rope dropped down and jerked and swung out a little over the water. Dean waited for it to head back to shore before catching it. He ran it back and then forward and swung out. He let go and in an awkwardly graceful motion splashed back into the water. Sam caught the rope and waited for Dean to get out of the way before following suit. Dean swam over to the edge, pulled himself out of the water and walked over to the angel. 

"Cas, you gotta try the rope swing. C’mon." Cas was unsure. "Are you afraid of the water?" 

"I … I don’t know." 

"Try to swing and see if you like it." 

"Dean, I’m an Angel of the Lord, I don’t need a rope to fly." 

"It’s not flying, Cas, it’s falling. And it’s your turn." 

Cas, looked over, and Sam was already out of the water, dripping, holding the rope for him. Cas took off his trenchcoat and the rest of his clothes and marched over to grab the rope. "How do I…" 

"When you feel the rope start to come back to shore, you just let go."

Castiel mimicked what Dean and Sam had done. He ran back way from the water and then ran toward the shore and held onto the rope for life as he swung out over the stream. The rope reached farther and farther out, and then it started to turn. Sam and Dean were yelling at him, and he understood this was the moment. He let go and fell. He crashed into the water, feeling it wrap around his body, supporting him and hiding him away. It was peaceful, in the muted world. 

He pulled himself back up to the surface to hear Dean and Sam cheering for him and jumping in after him. Dean was the first to him. Cas thought he was going to get another cheer; Dean unceremoniously dunked him under the water. When Cas gasped back up, Dean splashed him in the face, laughing in a way that let Cas know Dean was playing, not trying to humiliate him. With Dean facing Cas, Sam caught his brother and dunked him deep in the river. 

Once Dean surfaced, Cas gathered his wings and tidalwaved the Winchesters. They looked at him, shocked, spitting out the river water, and started yelling about wings not being fair. 

“If you are going to play with angels, you have to deal with wings.” 

Dean splashed him in the face again, laughing. The boys started swimming after him, and Cas made it for the shore. He wanted to fall again.

They spent the afternoon swimming, laughing, and drinking beer. Cas remembered thinking that he had always known what joy was but that this was his first taste of happiness.

Castiel hid that memory in his forearm so that he could get to it but still protect it. During Heaven’s Civil War, he had taken to touching that skin to connect to that day whenever he was scared or unsure. The movement became a habit. He relied on that memory so much that the lines had faded. The exact way the water felt was gone, and the rope swing making temporary blisters on his hands had long since left him. But the feeling remained a touchstone for when the Angel of the Lord was lost. Castiel, in that memory, knew that he was part of something much more than his own story.


	3. Nightmares

Dean never could stop the monsters that wrecked his dreams. They defeated him. They killed his brother. They killed everyone. They destroyed whole universes. Dean could only stand by and watch, doubting what he should do in a way he never did in waking life. Or he would run. Sometimes chased, sometimes just to escape watching. Destruction always found him. His unconscious self begged, reaching for something that might look like hope. His sleeping body followed suit, reaching down his sides or across the bed. A hand or part of his arm would press against the bottom of his left ribs. Dean kept the memory of Cas’s first hamburger there.

Sam and Dean needed to eat, but Cas was not hungry. Dean had barked at him to order something, tired of feeling less-than next to the angel who did not need food or sleep or water or sex. Cas looked at the menu. Too many choices to be able to choose. He looked up at the waiter who sighed in annoyance. 

“I’ll bring you a hamburger. You want cheese?” 

“No. Thank you.” 

The boys were cranky. They had waited too long for this meal. When their beers arrived, they drank them too fast, just to get something into their stomachs, earning a little light-headedness. Cas just stared. Or looked out the window, confused. The silence would have been uncomfortable except the boys could not be bothered.

The food finally came, and Sam and Dean dug in. Cas still stared, not really wanting the hamburger. 

“You gonna eat or just sit there?” 

Cas picked up the burger, spilling the lettuce and tomato onto the fries on his plate. 

“C’mon, man, not like that. Here.” Dean took the plate and replaced the toppings. “You need condiments. You like ketchup, mustard or mayo?” 

“I do not know.” 

“Okay, ketchup and mustard. Mayo is just going to ruin it.” 

“I like mayo,” Sam spat. 

“Yeah, which is why you’ve never had a real burger.” Dean spiraled the ketchup onto the bun and then the mustard onto the lettuce. “Here. Try that. And try to keep everything on the burger.”

Castiel gingerly picked up the burger, staring intensely at it, willing it not to fall apart again. He brought it up to his mouth and took a modest bite. Dean saw Cas’s eyes change to something akin to wonder at this very first taste of this very first hamburger. A smile peeked at the edge of Cas’s mouth, letting fall a little ketchup and burger juice onto his chin. 

Cas had not even finished that bite before whispering “This is delicious.” 

“Cas, it’s better if you don’t talk with your mouth full.” 

“Sam, leave him alone. We can do the manners crap later.” 

Cas swallowed and took another, bigger bite. When he finished the burger, he looked directly at Dean, “It must be such a sacrifice for someone to become a vegetarian.” 

Dean did not need the whole memory to chase away the nightmares. Just the moment of Cas’s of his first bite and the lopsided grin, messy from the burger. Sleeping Dean played it over and over and over until the monsters gave the night over to quiet sleep under the angel’s smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Molecules can still be delicious.


	4. Twine

At the back of Dean's neck, just at the base of his skull, was the memory of the world’s biggest ball of twine. Dean didn’t get it. Why was it so important?

“I don’t know how I can explain it. I just want to go see it. Please.” 

Cas was trying to remember manners these days. Mostly he sounds like some teenager checking the manners box but certainly voicing their disapproval of having to, but Cas doesn’t mean it that way so, Dean just lets it slide and smiles at the effort. Cas squints at those smiles, not sure what they mean. That was Cas. Observant but forgetting he could ask when he was confused. He’d rather figure it out; it had to make sense. Maybe. Dean was sure Cas hadn’t graduated to Human Emotional Logic yet.

“How far away is it?” Sam asked.

“Not far.”

Sam was probably a little too indulgent with people, but then Dean probably was a little too demanding, so maybe taking a cue from Sam right now would be good. They weren’t on a hunt. Things seemed calm. That was probably not a good sign, so they might as well do something fun while they could. Dean would have preferred dive bars and strip clubs, but hell, big balls of twine have to fun too? Sam and Dean had probably driven past signs for the thing a hundred times or more, crisscrossing the country.

“How far in human, Cas?” 

Cas looked back at Dean, unsure how his answer would affect the decision. “Not far. The turn off is about 30 miles from here and then it’s probably an other 60 miles from there.”

“So like hour an’a half, two hours. That’s doable.” Cas smiled. “You gonna ride in the car or just meet us there.”

“I think the car. I am still trying to understand why the Led Zeppelin thinks there is a stairway to heaven and who this woman is that seems to be climbing it.” 

“Just wait ‘till you hear Hotel California.”

“Car, it is. Let’s go.” Sam grabbed his jacket, tossed Dean’s bag to him, and gathered the rest of their things. “Big balls of twine aren’t going to wait forever.” Sam had been restless for a week, itching to do something. 

“Actually, it’s one ball. It has been there for quite some time, and while not forever because time destroys all things, it will certainly be there in a few hours, Sam.”

“Thanks, Cas.”

“You are welcome, Sam.” Dean smiled. Cas squinted.

—

Dean steps out of the driver’s side. 

“How do you get Hotel California and not get Stairway to Heaven?”

“Dean, Hotel California is clearly an allegory for addiction. What else could it be?”

“And Stairway to Heaven isn’t an allegory?”

“No. I … I already told you. There is no stairway.”

“That’s kind of the point of … nevermind. Here is your big ass ball of twine.”

Sam reads from a sign “‘World’s Largest Twine Ball. Constructed by Francis A. Johnson from 1950-1979. Weight 17,900 pounds; Circumference is about 40 feet.’ Damn.”

“It’s amazing.”

“It’s a ball of twine. A big ball of twine, I’ll give you that. I still don’t get why you wanted to see it.”

“It’s a perfect representation of humanity,” Cas says as he saunters up to the ball, reaching out to place his hand on it.

“Cas, there’s more to people than just balls.” Dean chuckles and looks at Sam to see if he’s laughing. Sam rolls his eyes and shoves his brother lightly.

“Grow up, Dean.”

“C’mon, it’s funny.”

Sam’s next to Cas looking at the twine. “I don’t get it. How is this humanity?”

“Someone made this.”

“Yeah?”

Dean’s there now, looking around, acting like he’s not really listening, not interested.

“Someone made it because they could. It is not a work of genius, but that is what makes it, what makes humanity, so awesome, in the literal meaning of the word.” Cas looks to Dean, who is leaning against the ball, glancing him. “This man just made it, and it is an expression of human endeavor. And people come to see it simply because someone made it. The human community takes pride in creation, big and small. Genius or not. Complex or simple. Ugly or beautiful. How much time is just spent seeing that which someone else made, in museums of New York or in the plains of Kansas. That is humanity. It is at the intersection of god the creator, the angel worshipers, and the raw earth. All of that is right here.”

“In one giant ball.”

“Dean, shut up. Cas, humanity is-“

“I know it is not all good, Sam. Humanity is destructive and selfish and narcissistic and self-harming and utterly illogical. But not all the time, and not here.”

Cas walked off, to stroll around the twine ball. Sam and Dean looked at each other, a little confused, maybe. Maybe a little superior. What did Cas really know about being human? But Dean followed him, and watched, and tucked away this memory. 

When Cas finished walking around, he headed back to the Impala with Dean trailing just a little behind.

"Hey, Cas."

"Yes, Dean?"

"If another hunt doesn’t come up, maybe we can go see the world’s largest ball of stamps."

"That would be nice, Dean."


End file.
